If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
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do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several