Them: What’s wrong with you? Were you raised by wolves?
Me: [eating a wildebeest] Lions actually
Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you’re crossing a border. Then don’t do that.
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Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it!”
And then Satan said, “Put the alphabet in math…”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*