@BonaFideIntent

Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you’re crossing a border. Then don’t do that.

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@writeden

Them: What’s wrong with you? Were you raised by wolves?

Me: [eating a wildebeest] Lions actually

@ZAKagan

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

@Darlainky

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

@panmidwest

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

@AdamOPrice

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

@iGreenMonk

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

@THEDUTHCHESS

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

@patnspankme

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

@elynnbarlow

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*