@junkyardigan

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

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@Brampersandon_

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

@TheThomason

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

@neiltyson

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

@pixelatedboat

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

@VanGobot

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

@BlondieBGbb

Just read “four years after pregnancy 38% of moms still were not drinking” I think it’s safe to say this survey was not done on Twitter.

@copymama

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

@Fred_Delicious

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”