My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
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If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
don’t we all
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke