Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
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If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?