@SandwichGhoul

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

You Might Also Like

@Ygrene

My only defense against my wife when she calls me a nerd is that at least I didn’t marry a nerd

@thespacewad

If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.

@JoParkerBear

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

@TheAlexNevil

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

@jackiembouvier

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

@dumbbeezie

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

@electrolemon

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

@fro_vo

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69