keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
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When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again