keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

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My only defense against my wife when she calls me a nerd is that at least I didn’t marry a nerd


If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.


The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.


Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.


Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.


My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.


“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch


Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice


Date: hi
Me: 69