Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
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[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
And then there were 4
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever