Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
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Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…