@NicCageMatch

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

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@thetits

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

@impaulmccoy

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

@jonnysun

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

@jay_slidin

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

@MikeZakarian

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

@Jamberee13

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile