@NicCageMatch

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

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@TheTimmyToes

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

@gruffybeard

The Jews probably would’ve wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.

@WilliamAder

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

@flashember

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

@AimeeHelene1

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

@faggrat

time zones are so weird like, australia is already in 2018, europe still in 2017 and the US in 1950…so weird lmaoo

@kimholcomb

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

@hasht4g

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation