Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
we all know this pain all too well
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”