@NicCageMatch

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

You Might Also Like

@DevinRange

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

@PaigeKellerman

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

@Havish_AF

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

@3sunzzz

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

@MatCro

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

@UnFitz

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

@kimtopher22

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

@amandajpanda

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

@hashtagyolo11

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?