GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
this FaceApp is creepy af
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Them: What’s your favorite food?
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile