[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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The Jews probably would’ve wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
time zones are so weird like, australia is already in 2018, europe still in 2017 and the US in 1950…so weird lmaoo
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation