Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
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Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?