*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

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Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?


I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?


The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.


I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.


Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.


It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.


I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.