*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
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oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
love it when they get my name right
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.