@2tickytacky

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

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@ronnui_

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

@3sunzzz

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

@Gupton68

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

@Crunch11b

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

@reeni730

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

@TheCatWhisprer

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

@Jandalize

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.