{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
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BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I want what they have
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.