@KimmyMonte

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

You Might Also Like

@jwoodham

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

@perlapell

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

@KenJennings

My son just told me he wouldn’t kill baby Hitler b/c of what that would do to the space program. Not 100% sure if he’s a Nazi or just a nerd

@JohnCleese

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

@Pig_Minted

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

@bombsydoll

[at dentist office]

Well you gave me this paper bib and said to put it on how was I to know I wasn’t supposed to undress first

@kelkulus

Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.

@dumbbeezie

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

@ericsshadow

WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me

ME: she’s a liar

WIFE: are you saying her dog didn’t die?

ME: [wiping sweat] I love you

@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring