Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
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When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.