If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it