Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
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People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
The news
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths