@caribbeanaj

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

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@danguterman

According to WebMD, I have a Client Error due to 400 Bad Request.

@Cryptoterra

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

@HomeProbably

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

@envydatropic

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

@just1fool

I just want to make you hot. Mess your hair up. Get your blood flowing. When I chase you around the house over the last piece of pizza.

@simoncholland

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

@JermHimselfish

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

@JustMeTurtle

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.