@caribbeanaj

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

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@JasonLastname

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

@ginadivittorio

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

@IvoryGazelle

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

@mrjohntofu

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

@fakedansavage

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

@ThaJawn

*puts a gun against a magician’s back

Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears

@3Snowbee3

Got a new cat today. She gives me disapproving looks all the time. I named her Mom.

@stevemarriott

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

@AmericanGent69

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.