Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

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My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever


i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.


BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]


That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”


Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.


I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.


Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.


LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!


I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.