@KeetPotato

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

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@KeetPotato

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

@BookishBunny

At this point most of the hugs I’m involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.

@nealbrennan

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

@Rollinintheseat

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

@Iwriteforcats

Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”

@Tmoney68

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

@dumbbeezie

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.