[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
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[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have