@bobvulfov

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

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@PleaseBeGneiss

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

@AIMMadellynne

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers..

If you do find one…

What’s your plan?

@ZachXJ

I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO

@8bitbulbasaur

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

@bananafitz

i called my parents to check in with how they were doing. they were arguing because my dad put together a little decorative display of wooden elephants, and my mom apparently ruined it by adding a vase.

@envydatropic

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

@Diversion50

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

@MatCro

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?