Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
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When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Makes eye contact with female. Medusa.
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..