KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
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it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Lol.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass