@bobvulfov

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

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@Dawn_M_

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

@Contwixt

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

@markedly

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

@AimeeHelene1

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

@BareChesty

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

@funnyordie

Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.

@StinkyGr33n

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

@rainerfm

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

@x_xaima

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..