Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
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Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I ate everything, including the H.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Meow
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
“That’s what” – She
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.