Kentucky names the shit out of places
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Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.