*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
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Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.