Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
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Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”