Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”
MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction
All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Communication is hard
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary