Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

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Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to


“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”

SUPERMAN: Kryptonite


MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction


All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.


I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door


Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.


I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.


[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet


Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard


Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary