@truegritrumble SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
@13spencer Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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@truegritrumble 
@TravLeBlanc I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
@naazihah Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
@TweetingDadGuy Started to feel bad about my life but just saw a bumper sticker that said “I Love My Grand-dog” and I think l’m going to be ok.
@sixfootcandy Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
@stephenjmolloy *open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
@MNateShyamalan nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
@jonnysun FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
@PleaseBeGneiss I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
@ddsmidt Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.