Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]