Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Sanbel11

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

@davidleecourt

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

@NicestHippo

“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”

SUPERMAN: Kryptonite

BATMAN: Bats

MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction

@RaynaTheGreat

All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.

@BuckyIsotope

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

@slimthicccins

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

@ramblinma

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

@MatCro

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

@oakhillbargrill

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

@D2BMcG

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary