Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

I didn’t know they can drive…

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied