Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
You Might Also Like
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”