Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
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Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos