KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
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Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I’m going to need a moment here.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.