@QwertyJones3

KFC hitting the cannibal market

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@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

@pilau

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

@findmydolls

In September a 127 yr old woman passed away, which we already KNOW is a lie bc the earth isn’t even 127 yrs old. Don’t be ignorant.

@juliussharpe

Facebook’s “People you may know” should be called, “People you definitely know and have been avoiding”.

@Karate_Horse

[robbery in progress in the store I’m at]
*quickly remembers training from karate school*
*bows to robber*
*is kicked in head so hard*

@sah_nursemom

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

@BoogTweets

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

@jillyhendrix

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.