KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
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I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.