*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
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[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.