@Rollmaninoz

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

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@CallousBalzac

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

@Book_Krazy

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

@TheBosha

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

@ChrisFredGreen

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

@KenJennings

PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away “surrounded by family,” do you picture murder, or suicide?

@JediGigi

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

@pleatedjeans

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal