@GrahamKritzer

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

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@dog_feelings

the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me

@NicCageMatch

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

@Darlainky

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

@Sickayduh

Top Gun (PG) – 1986

A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins

@dhumann

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

@susie_qsie

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

@ArfMeasures

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

@offbeatoliv

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.