Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
kicked out of church. I yelled “YEAH WE “HAVE A MARIA”, SHE’S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD”. mustve gotten too close 2 the truth
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How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
My coat is so covered with dog fur that someone’s probably going to throw red paint on me at some point today.
review of the year
Jan: no massive cow
Feb: no massive cow
Mar: no massive cow
Apr: no massive cow
May: no massive cow
Jun: no massive cow
Jul: no massive cow
Aug: no massive cow
Sep: no massive cow
Oct: no massive cow
Nov: there was a massive cow
Dec: no massive cow
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.