*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
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me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people