@noog

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

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@alovablenerd

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

@Garbage404

Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.

@Kyle_Lippert

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

@jilleb163

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

@iLick_sheDrip

Stop editing ya’ll pics. What if you go missing? how you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on facebook & chief keef in person.

@Probgoblin

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

@OrigamiDad

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.