[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
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“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
translated into Canadian
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.