@rowdyforsheriff

[Kicks open door to bouncy house]

So anyway I’ve been thinking about what you said last night

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@danblackroyd

Little Caesars: It’s hot and it’s ready.

Me: Is it good?

Little Caesars: It’s HOT. And it’s READY.

@WilliamAder

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

@UncleDuke1969

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

@briangaar

you say “sitting in your parents’ basement wearing pajamas” like it’s a bad thing

@T_Bonezzz

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier

@JasonLastname

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

@SJSchauer

[at SunMaid farms with a guy]

Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins

@TheAlexNevil

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

@ObscureGent

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

@MumInBits

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing