Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.