Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
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Meeeee too!
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Yup.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away