Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
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Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.