Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
You Might Also Like
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I have a black belt in leather
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.