@ehchino

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

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@meganamram

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

@batkaren

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

@3sunzzz

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

@Donna_McCoy

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

@24HourBitching

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

@karanbirtinna

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

@9GAG

when nothing goes right… go left

@clindsaysway

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

@jwoodham

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

@Zach_Wallen

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince