Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

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party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which


HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?


People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.


No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.


Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…


Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?


when nothing goes right… go left


I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.


Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.


I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince