If I get killed, would you make my chalk outline slimmer? Thanks.
Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER
Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes
Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.
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Twitter is the witness protection program from family on Facebook.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
*Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat*
Join your brothers and sisters sweet child
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Pro tip: don’t do anything to entertain a toddler that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing 1,000,000 more times
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER