@hoops_Daddy

Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes

Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.

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@lildandeli0n

If I get killed, would you make my chalk outline slimmer? Thanks.

@HenpeckedHal

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

@jessforaminute

*Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat*

Join your brothers and sisters sweet child

@BoomBoomBetty

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

@stewteee

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

@shashaintl

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

@RantingOwl

Pro tip: don’t do anything to entertain a toddler that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing 1,000,000 more times

@Marlebean

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER