Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?