Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
You Might Also Like
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
lol
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.