KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

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12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.


Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble


Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?

Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish


The Easter Bunny doesn’t always drink, but when he does it’s hopscotch.


serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!


Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.


My ex (2 years ago) : Let’s spice things up and role play!

Me: I’m in!

Ex: “Good evening, Mr. Grey…”

Me: I’m out!


I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.


When my car starts making weird noises I just assume it’s becoming a Transformer.