12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
KID 911: then it is lost forever
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Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
finally found a reasonable question
The Easter Bunny doesn’t always drink, but when he does it’s hopscotch.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
My ex (2 years ago) : Let’s spice things up and role play!
Me: I’m in!
Ex: “Good evening, Mr. Grey…”
Me: I’m out!
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
When my car starts making weird noises I just assume it’s becoming a Transformer.