@aotakeo

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

You Might Also Like

@putyoursisterd1

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

@Playing_Dad

Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble

@SlimSinclair

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?

Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

@ElPasofist

The Easter Bunny doesn’t always drink, but when he does it’s hopscotch.

@TheHyyyype

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

@mcs212

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

@D_Ciphered

My ex (2 years ago) : Let’s spice things up and role play!

Me: I’m in!

Ex: “Good evening, Mr. Grey…”

Me: I’m out!

@samalmightysam

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

@TheMichaelRock

When my car starts making weird noises I just assume it’s becoming a Transformer.