Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

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I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.

Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.


him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho


DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)


Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.


Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence


I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone


Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.


Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.