Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
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My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Sooo many times…..
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*