I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.
Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
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him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*