@sixfootcandy

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

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@MK_Shenanigans

I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.

Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

@AimeeHelene1

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

@rickkondell

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

@longwall26

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

@JazzTrombonist

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

@KentWGraham

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

@junejuly12

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.