Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
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When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Do not steal food from the science building!
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs