Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

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Congratulations, “journalists” who tell celebrity gossip for a living. I didn’t know you could get a degree in teenage girl.


[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”


Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news


Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”


My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.


My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.

She learned to fight in prison.


They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.


Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…


inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no


*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.