@tonyhawk

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

You Might Also Like

@Sarcasticsapien

Congratulations, “journalists” who tell celebrity gossip for a living. I didn’t know you could get a degree in teenage girl.

@Marlebean

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

@Unlucky_Ninja

Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news

@Tommytoughstuff

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

@stockejock

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.

She learned to fight in prison.

@jlock17

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

@AmishPornStar1

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

@AndrewChamings

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

@yazminda12

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.