kid: [breaks open piñata] are these… receipts

dad: costs a lot of money to raise u kids

kid: [reads a receipt] is this one for the piñata

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“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro


– You pay more attention to the TV than you do me!
– Ma’am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?


Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.


I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.


OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail


the only reason you should be showing me pictures of your kids is if they’re missing or you want them to be


– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.


Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*


My cat’s tongue is like a little piece of sandpaper. I’m scratched to hell but this floor is almost finished.