KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
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My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
He’s dead
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.