New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.