What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
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My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.